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A Dating Suggestion to the Deeply Frustrated
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So, you've done the work on yourself to be ready and open for a relationship. You've tried every option and avenue you can think of. You been on countless dates with countless people and still, you're sitting here single.
May I suggest something? It's time to give up.
Specifically, give up the attachment you have to finding and having a committed partner in your life.
The way I see it, the effort of going on dates, trying out new ways to meet people, and opening space for dating and a potential new partner are all necessary ingredients. However, at the same time, none of that will necessarily lead you to getting that person you want into your life. And to push the idea above further, there's a point where focus on finding a partner slides into obsession.
In other words, sometimes more effort and mental energy are not at all what's needed - letting go completely is is what's needed. Because when you actually finally do that, you realize that it's all an ebb and flow and that letting go of your desire for relationship doesn't have to be some depressing finality, but that it's basically about admitting that you don't know. Don't know if doing anything else is needed. Or if it's going to happen or not eventually.
How can you find joy and satisfaction now, as you are? Not only is this attractive to other healthy, intelligent, creative people, but it's also an attractive way to live, period. But in my experience, it seems to require being ok with not knowing a lot. With learning to balance intelligent effort with some form of faith that it will all work out in the end.
Another Form of Fear of Committment?
I had a conversation with my mother this afternoon about modern dating. One of the things she said was that it seems like "dating has gotten so difficult. People think that even having a conversation with someone in the grocery store means committing to something." As I listened, I thought, "yeah, that makes sense. It's the oppose pole to those who date piles of people at the same time, and won't "settle" - ever - because they think they might miss out or loose their "freedom to choose."When I hear my mother's comments, at first I wondered if that kind of thing was more common amongst Boomer generation daters, but then I started thinking about my own experiences, and realized it probably isn't unique to any one generation.
But then there's this issue about whether dating has "gotten more difficult" in general, something that kept pushing the conversation we were having. I started thinking about the "list syndrome" - how so many of us now carry with us and often broadcast a list of desired traits, skills, and accomplishments we want our future partners to have. And then there's the extreme consumerist individualism that has become the norm, conditioning us to believe we can do everything on our own, don't need communities, extended families, even partners really. So much has become about always "having choices," an endless supply of choices, assuming that this is the definition of freedom. Which I'd argue is really missing the mark.
My mother commented about how when she did personal ads in the local newspapers back in the late 80s, it was easy to get dozens of responses. And she spoke of a similar situation when doing online dating back in it's early days. I said "doesn't that have a lot to do with the newness factor, the novelty of meeting people that came when those avenues had just started to open up?" She agreed to some degree, but stuck to the thought that it's still more difficult now for some reason.
Maybe it is. But my mind keeps circling back to commitment, or the struggle to make one, and how that plays a major role in this whole conversation.
What do you think about all of this?
